I’ve been married a long time. 22 years. Or two years, depending on how you look at it. (We remarried on our twentieth anniversary). But when you’ve been with someone for a very long length of time, things that may have seemed unthinkable in the beginning become matters of non consequence. Bathroom with the door open? Then? Perish the thought. Now, I’m not sure either of us notice. All the gross yet necessary aspects of grooming, picking zits, clipping toenails, swabbing ears, while once we only performed them behind closed doors, we now barely notice and have been known to do them for one another. You see, when you’ve shared a life with someone for longer than you’ve lived without them, those little secret titivations that you once kept hidden become inconsequential. I mean, he has literally watched other humans exit my body, what other secrets could we possibly have.
Sunday is our relax day. By late Sunday afternoon or early evening, you will usually find us all curled up together in the basement rec room smothered under quilts and watching a movie. And so we were. Husband and teens all, just this past Sunday.
I can’t remember precisely what it was we were watching. It might have been bates motel, but, there was a teenage love scene. It was all softly lit and filmed with artful hints of flesh barely visible as the two teen lovers tumbled under a sheet. Completely under a sheet. I started to giggle. Then I started laughing. I mean, it was totally rediculous. No one has sex completely under a sheet. Least of all teens. I remember back when everything on my body still pointed up. Who the hell hides that?
Of course they all wanted to know what I was laughing at. So I told them how unrealistic the whole scene was. “Plus”, I said. “Think about the Dutch oven factor.” My 18 year old snorted. “As if you’d let one go when you’re doing it.”
“Well not on purpose,” I intoned. But, you know, sometimes you can’t control it. So….it happens. And you try to keep it quiet. Secret sex fart.”
By now the family was howling and while my other two teens were wondering out loud if that was really a thing, my husband was laughingly aghast that it wasn’t only him. “YOU do that???” I winked him. “More than you know.”
So the secret is out. Like the quietest fluff slipped out into the night. Because marriage is not only the good, it’s also the messy, the silly and the farty.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.