Archive for January, 2017

NC ’17

2016 sucked.  Okay, not all of it, there was some really good stuff that happened last year. But on the whole, as a year, suck-o.  Didn’t like it.  

Last spring, just bare months after starting a new job, my feet and legs swelled up and I couldn’t walk without a lot of pain.  No family doctor yet, so when it got really, really bad, I went to the ER.  Tests and a referral and more tests later and I had a firm case of sarcoidosis.  Fine. Steroids and follow ups and more tests and it turned out I was FULL of sarcoidosis. It’s probably the reason I had to get glasses, it was in my organs and it fucked up my legs.  But okay, we dealt and in august, it was *supposed* to be gone. As a precaution, my specialist sent me for one more X-ray. To be sure. 

Bam. There is was. All in my lungs. Hanging around and building little tumor buddies.  I was sent to a new specialist.  He sent me for tons more tests. Loads. I’ve had MRI and CT scans, x rays and lung tests and blood work (just wait, THATS a story) and echo cardiograms galore.  If I lived in America, I’d owe a million dollars in health care.  Maybe. Probably.  I don’t know but yay Canada.  I asked him point blank at one point, because I had “growths” in my lower lungs that were “not presenting as sarcoidosis” if I had lung cancer.  He didn’t know. He couldn’t say. And he couldn’t rule it out.  

I told my husband. And no one else.  We didn’t even tell the kids until weeks later that this was something we had to rule out, that it was possibly hanging out looking for a seat at the table. Having been down the cancer path before, I had absolutely NO desire to revisit.  I was lucky first time around. I did not want a second spin of the roulette wheel.  

Today was the day for results.  And I’m not only not cancerous, I’m much better! Sure, there is some scar tissue in my lungs now, but sarcoidosis will do that to you.  It was to be expected.  My doctor thinks I may have a touch of asthma now, possibly kicked into fruition from all the fuckery in my chest, but that is so manageable. Sarcoidosis may strike again in another organ, or come back to mess with my lungs but today, today I am good.  

So, he said, I should go down to the lab on my way out and have some more blood drawn.  Dentists tell you the secret is in floss. Doctors always see the mysteries of the universe in blood.  Okay, I didn’t mind. I’ve had blood drawn a hundred thousand times. No biggie. 

We sat and waited for my turn.  A tiny, young, quiet, young, very young (did I mention she was YOUNG) girl called my number. I went in, yadda yadda yadda, and she slipped the needle into my skin.  And I jumped.  It hurt. Not in an “ow, you just put a needle in me hurt” but hurt.  A lot. She looked and said “oh”.  I was clenching my fingers which were suddenly numb.  “I think I may have hit a nerve” she said.  She went to get help.  

Now.  I’m a bit of a fainter when I have too much adrenaline. So, when I get a needle in a nerve and my fingers and hand feel numb I freak out. Quietly. Daintily.  Like a goddam lady.  So I started to sweat and shake a bit while new, adult nurse came in and asked me all kinds of questions and offered me juice.  She asked if I wanted to come back another day but I wanted to get it done. So, the other arm got poked and my hand felt better and the first site ached and I left with my husband.  Blood taken, and cancer free.  

No Cancer ’17.  Bring what you will. It’s all cake after that great news.  


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People think I’m too emotional sometimes.  And a lot of the time it gets chalked up the way all emotional women are packaged: that time of the month, you’re such a girl, or, my personal nemesis “calm down”. 

It’s not my time of the month.   I had cervical cancer in my twenties and a hysterectomy at 28.  It hasn’t been my time of the month in 14 years. And yes I’m a girl, but I’m also a human and humans, except for maybe sociopaths,  feel things. 

Don’t tell me to calm down either.  Nothing makes me want to commit murder faster than those two words when I’m in an emotional hurricane. 

Let me tell you about being highly emotional.  I don’t just feel my feelings, I feel them all consumingly.  When I’m sad, I’m devastated.  When I’m scared, I’m probably peeing my pants.  When I’m happy I’m probably also peeing my pants.   When I love, I do so to the depths of my soul.  It can be a curse no question, but, it can also be a phenomenal blessing. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel things so hard.  It’s difficult to explain why the death of someone I never met can tilt my axis and have me in tears for hours. It’s also not cool when someone tries to cut the tension at a funeral with a light joke and I can’t stop laughing.  But, it’s also the reason why music, or a sunset or a smile from one of my children can bring me to happy tears and consequently search those moments onto my heart in a way I’m not sure they otherwise would be.  

I’m a highly emotional person.  Don’t try to tame me or find ways to tone me down, because, much like my fiery temper and my infectious laughter, I am glorious just as I am. 

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I’m tired.  That’s not surprising. I’ve been working and raising a large family for over twenty years, of course I’m tired.  But I’m also mentally and emotionally tired.  2016 was draining.  I’ve made some choices to help me get into and get through 2017 and keep moving forward positively in the future. 

No toxic friendships.  This will be the easiest one because I’ve already let go of most of the *friendships* I had that were unhealthy.  The trick now will be to not invite in any new ones.  

My relationship with myself comes first, my relationship with my husband is second.  All other relationships come after those two. If I can’t take care of those two, everything else falls apart.  Someone who can’t understand that isn’t someone I need in my life. 

Respect.  This is a big thing for me.   I can disagree with you and still respect you.  You should be able to do the same.  If you can’t RESPECT me, who I am, and what I believe in, again, I go back to number one.  We are all human beings and we deserve to be respected as individuals.  Treating someone poorly, disrespecting who they are as a person simply because it doesn’t fall into line with your personal beliefs is NOT something I want in my life.  And I won’t have it any more.  I can walk away from bigotry, because it’s not a part of how I want my life to be.   

Authenticity. I plan to live as authentically as I can.  I will not temper myself to fit someone else’s comfort.  I will be polite and yes, respectful,  but, I will not be someone I am not to please others.  

Relaxation.  I don’t always make time to relax and that doesn’t help either my physical health or my mental health.  This will likely mean less of an online presence,  and believe me when I say, I have even contemplated ending this blog, but for now I’ve decided that since i have already scaled back in postings, I will simply scale back everywhere else as well.  I need real quiet from time to time.  I plan to take it. 

These are not resolutions.  These are intentions.  Things I need to do in my life to live as fully and as happily as I can.  

Hmm.  A full and happy life.  So crazy it just might work. 

Happy 2017.  

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