It’s Thursday and it’s 3pm.
I have officially accomplished….not a whole lot today.
I have a new job and I’ve been training all week, which is great and it’s been keeping me busy and it’s been wonderful to start at something again. But, adjusting to a new schedule is always a challenge and with my back being very, very sore again, the challenge is a hard one. I’ve had to take a step back from going full throttle with my #FindYourFit workouts and temper them into slow and steady. I’m frustrated by that because I was doing well and actually felt like I was starting to see results but, I can’t mess around with my back so I have to do what the chiropractor says.
I’m tired. At the best of times I’ve never been a great one for sleeping at night. But this makes me exhausted during the day and sometimes I just fall asleep. But at night I have too many thoughts n my head and during the day, in non writing times, I am either doing my work out or hanging out with my boyfriend netflix.
Today I had the day off. I slept in, simply because I could. I had a shower not to wash my hair but to just stand happily under hot water and soap up without worrying about how many kids need the shower after me. I ate the most glorious brunch of all my favourite things without worrying about who might complain because this one doesn’t like mushrooms and that one doesn’t like crab. I came back up to my bed and wrote for an hour before settling down with my boyfriend again.
I’m watching a movie I have a love/hate relationship with. It’s Eat Pray Love. I never liked Ms. Gilbert the first time I ever saw and heard of her. She was on Oprah toting her book of the same title and I thought, what a privileged, selfish, entitled bitch. Of course at the time I was knee deep in a lot of denial about my own life and what I was doing with it. Outwardly I looked super happy and settled and in some ways, I was, but inwardly I was crumbling. I just wasn’t admitting it yet.
When the movie came out I flat our refused to see it. Years went by and I never gave it another thought. But then netflix put it up and I finally watched it. And it clicked. I get where she was coming from. Dammit.
So, today after I was finished writing for a grotesquely short amount of time, I put it on. I have to write in short bursts right now because long ones hurt my back too much and it’s hard writing about what we all went through with Shawn’s heart attacks. But if I’m really honest, netflix is escapism for me right now. It’s yet another way for me not to deal with things I don’t want to deal with. I’m queen of not dealing.
This has been the year for reevaluations, self reflections and questions. That’s what happens when someone close to you has a life-check. It makes you look at everything all over again. You search all the angles, try to find the angles you have not yet investigated, dust out the old dark corners and then panic at what you see there and bury it again.
I admire what Liz does in this movie now. She leaves for a year long journey to find herself, beyond the definition of who she is with a man. I cannot do such a thing. What would the kids think? What would Shawn say? Entitled, selfish, privileged. A bitch. Someone who walks away from her life and for what? A year to be a nomad? Well, if it weren’t for all of our adult commitments, who among us hasn’t thought about it at one time or another? Because I’m willing to be we all have.
All that aside, I’m happy here. Despite my occasional bitching about work or weather, I like it. I like where we are in our collective family life. Quieter. Centered. Together. It makes me happy.
Isn’t that what we are all looking for? Happiness.
Sometimes I need to remind myself that I’m Dorothy. I need to stop chasing the cyclone, stop looking for Oz, which was nothing but a big sham, and realize that my heart’s desire was here all along. Today it’s in a perfect day, with food I love, hot water and gorgeous smelling soap, my keyboard and my computer.