I’m working on Room 15 today, the account of Shawn’s cardiac arrest and our journey with heat disease as a family.
So far the work has practically written itself. In order to tell the story, I first have to tell “our story” so the first 60 pages of rough draft have been about us, all the good times, all the shit times, and all the “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me” stress times. Since heart disease has a LOT to do with stress, it’s only right that I pay homage to the issues that got us to where we were.
No biggie, we all go through stress, writing that part of the book has been pretty cathartic for me. I especially enjoyed writing about all the good times, the great memories and the things and moments that have really stuck with me through the years watching our family grow. It’s been wonderful.
I stopped and switched to Poppies for a bit, since I found all that missing work and my passion for the book was finally renewed after such a long hiatus. It feels like coming home to be writing about Siobhan and Angela and all the Ryan’s again after so long. I also switched because I knew where I was with Room 15 and the next piece to write about was the day.
Today I clicked on my computer, opened up my files and looked. My finger hovered over the mouse between Poppies and Room 15.
I clicked Room 15.
My file asked me if I wanted to pick up where I left off. Well, where I left off was the morning of September 19th. The day it all happened. Yes, I clicked it.
Writing this today has been an exercise in emotions, memory and control.
They day is crystal clear to me, and yet at the same time, it’s a blur. I remember some parts of it as sharply as if I were still standing in that room in the hospital and some of it is not clear to me at all. I can still see his face, with those dead eyes. Not an image I like to hang on to.
On the other hand, my fingers are flying over the keys of my laptop seemingly of their own accord. I cannot keep them moving fast enough to keep up with my thoughts and the images flying through my mind. I need to take a break.
A luxury I didn’t have that day. Now, I can get up, walk away from the computer for a bit, and leave it there until I am ready to pick it up again.
I’ve never been so grateful for “normal”. I love best the days when we do nothing more than eat dinner together and snuggle up on the couch, watching TV or netflix or a movie and then go to bed early because we’re tired. I love weekends where we just talk about what we’re going to do with the garden this summer. I love every “normal” thing we do because we, especially he, is still here to do it.
Life is short, life is fleeting. Life is precious.
I’m almost done for the day today. I’ve written just under 5000 words. My fingers, and my head and my heart need a rest.
The story goes on.