It’s been a weird week. I have not been here because I’ve been doing things in my real world. I had an interview this week. I’m making a dress. One of my daughters has a crush. One of my daughters is learning to drive. Life moves at an interesting pace.
This week a friend of mine lost her son to leukemia. This week a friend of mine lost her husband of 26 years.
I found myself feeling, a few times, a little lost. Sad. Lucky. Even hopeful and happy. Because I cannot help but notice the delicate balance that is around me all the time. With loss, as awful and acute as it is, comes the sweet sting of realizing how much we have left. A swift shot of pain at the suffering of someone else also reminds me that I have so much beauty around me. It forces me to take a look at my life from another angle. Maybe one I forget to tune into often.
When Shawn’s heart gave out in such dramatic fashion, all I could see was pain for days. I was barely able to function for my kids let alone myself. And then he woke up from the coma and all I could see was light, love, possibilities.
Now, though I am scared every time he looks short of breath and I sometimes wake in the night to make sure he is still breathing beside me, I am all too aware of how precious what we have is.
I have so much. It’s crazy to think of the times in my life when I’ve taken it all for granted; even almost thrown it away.
My heart grieves for the families of my friends. To lose a partner, a soul mate, is something I experienced for nearly an hour and thought about for days, weeks. I was lucky. WE were lucky. My friend…she is facing a whole new world and I will be there for her however I can.
My youngest nearly died at birth. He was so tiny and for his first year he had to fight to live, in and out of the hospital, home respirators, but he is a huge boy of 13 now and is already nearly as tall as me. He will go on and keep getting bigger, stronger. My friend Lisa had a fighter for a son as well. Her boy, though only a few years old, fought cancer three times like a warrior. He was beautiful. He touched more people than he will ever know.
Life is not life without the inevitable end. We all know it. What makes life so fucking incredible is the loves you get to have and the people you get to share it with. We all want that, and if we are lucky enough to see love, none of us want to lose it. I want my friends to know that their part of this journey, though utterly painful and sorrowful right now, has given a gift to so many others. The lives they have touched, directly and indirectly. The impacts that were made and are still being made. You come to this point of loss in your life and what you find coming to you is love, radiating love. Because we are all sharing ours back with you now when you need it most.
Just as I received love from so many when I needed it.
I’m sure this sounds rambling as it’s 1:30 in the morning here but I can’t help but think of the circle of life and love and the cycle of give and take, light and dark. I hope that what you take away from this, what we all take away is a message of hope. Of knowing that your one life touches so many others.
So good night, sweet friends. May you all sleep tonight knowing that someone out there loves you and that you have all touched lives. May you all remember that in the moments you feel alone.