So many things have changed, which is, of course, the nature of life. So, whatever our “normal” was before, it is not our “normal” now.
Shawn and I were both long term smokers. I will be the first to say how much I actually truly loved my cigarettes. Shawn used to joke that he would “die” without his smokes and coffee….oh the irony. But now we’re both non-smokers. It’s been nearly two months for him, not quite as long for me, but it was a battle hard fought. I still miss them. It’s still a big battle for me everyday not to go out and buy them, but I know that in time that will lessen.
We used to get out more, but lately we’ve been big homebodies. After being forced to watch it all the time with the girls in the house, Shawn has gotten into Criminal Minds so we’ve been borrowing them from the library, season at a time. We’re on season two.
Tonight I asked Shawn to go on a date with me. Now that we’re all finding our new comfort zones, it’s important that he and I remain connected as a couple. We’ve let that slip once or twice in the past and it has not been good for us. I intend to never let that happen again.
I’ve been having some bad dreams lately. Reliving some old stuff from the past. Which, I suppose, is my guilt coming to the surface and the fact that I’m trying to push away the negatives and move on in positives. Maybe some of those old negatives are trying to find a way out through my subconscious mind. I don’t know what’s doing it, but there are definitely things I need to let go of. And there are likely things that I still need to deal with. Watching a tv series where there are occasionally people doing cpr, or giving shocks, or intubating characters gives me the willies and brings up flashes of images of watching Shawn go through it. They are hard images to get rid of and ones I am sure will pop back up on me probably for the rest of my life.
Here’s the other thing I *need* to find time for again. Nay, make time for. Writing. Summer Poppies is not only not finished, but I lost SO MUCH of the work I had already completed on it several months ago and I haven’t been able to bring myself to get back into re-writing the lost work as well as finishing writing the rest of the book. I want to finish it, I really do, but my heart has lost some of the passion I had for it. And, to be honest, I’m scared that re-writing the lost work will not live up to what I remembered I already had. I know, childish. But, there it is.
My weekends are so consumed right now with making sure we all spend some quality time together, making sure things like laundry and groceries are taken care of, because during the week we are all just trying to get through the days while keeping a close watch on one another. That’s what happens when someone in the family has a brush with death, the rest of us are on high alert and all we want to do is make the most of our time together.
So, that is it. Nightly phone calls from Keisha in Ontario, whom we all miss so much. Snuggling up together and watching a show full of other people’s tragedies, perhaps to underline to ourselves how lucky we are, and just keeping the ties that bind us as a family nice and snug.
I’m sure that as time goes on, we will all start to roam outwardly again. Ash is already looking at Universities. It blows the mind.
Until then, I am grateful for the friends and family who swarmed us with love when we needed it and then grateful for them all giving us space to find ourselves again in the healing time afterwards.