Where do we go from here?
This isn’t where we intended to be
We had it all, I believed in you
You believed in me
Deep in my heart I’m concealing
Things that I’m longing to say
Scared to confess what I’m feeling
Frightened you’ll slip away
Lyrics from Madonna’s “you must love me” from Evita.
One of my favourite songs from that musical because it’s just so raw. I can’t listen to it without crying, not that I need any help in that department lately. I know how bad things are right now. I know you’re about to have your phone cut off so you won’t be able to talk to me even if you wanted to. I know so much more than maybe you think I do. I just wish you would have reached out before things got to where they are now. It’s still not too late, but you choose everyday to live as if things will just magically fall back into place and, my dear, they can’t. Not now. All I can do is wait for you. Wait for you to understand what you’ve done and reach out to me.
Last night I couldn’t get the images of you as a small child out of my head. That smile. That absolute trust in me. I would have held your hand forever if you had let me but you can’t do that. You have to let those small, smiling children grow up, go off into the world and make choices of their own. But, my love, I can’t catch you when you fall and push me aside on the way down. I just fall with you. It’s a hard fall. Full of barbed wire and glass shards that are tearing at us both. And I can’t heal the cuts and tears when you run away, barefooted, blind to all you’re leaving behind. I know, it feels easier to run. Believe me I know. I’ve been there. You’re full of pain and you think you can out run and out smart it and you just don’t realize yet that you can’t do it alone.
But guess what? When that day happened that you first came into my life, I also made a choice. A choice and a promise. So, I will follow you. I’ll give you some space while you need it, but I’ll be close enough that when you stop running away and you turn around, I will be right there. I will catch you and I will show you that even after you break my heart, it’s big enough to stand a crack or two and it’s strong enough to heal. I can’t fix this for you, but, just like I did for that little child with the beautiful smile, I can hold your hand.