Wake up. Okay, try to wake up. One of those days when *someone* puts the alarm on the cell phone and then puts it on *your* side of the bed, but far enough away that you have to actually get up to turn it off, nudges you, and tells you ‘you’re closer’. Reluctantly drag tired ass out of warm bed and dreams that were most likely headed for happy ending. Punch button on phone to dismiss alarm. Fantasize about punching the dog who all of a sudden needs to bark loudly because you’re out of bed.
Walk back to bed, dog is now perched in the warm spot you just vacated. Call the dog an asshole. Go to the bathroom.
Walk back to bed. Fantasize about getting back in and staying there for at least a month. Maybe longer.
Dress for work. Brush hair/teeth, anything that feels fuzzy or frizzy. Notice that bags under eyes are now big enough to store weeks worth of groceries as well as all the laundry currently on the floor. Fuck. Must do laundry.
Tell the children that they must now wake up as well. Brace for hostile mumbles from underneath still warm blankets.
Do the morning mad-dash of lunches, breakfasts, trying to look professional for work and ignore that pants now feel as if they were made for someone without an actual ass…or hips. Must do laundry. Fuck.
Leave house, get coffee, get to work. Pray the computers aren’t down. Get insanely busy. Pray for computers to go down to get a break. Spill something on pants, try to rub off in bathroom with toilet paper. Now have ugly, pale smear on pants and toilet paper residue. REALLY have to do some laundry.
Go home, take twenty minutes to change clothes. Now resemble hobo. Throw whatever food takes the least amount of energy to prepare into oven. Start packing/cleaning. Stress about selling house as rooms empty. Get paint on self. Joke to kids about painting them down their faces. Joke to kids about painting them on their clothes. Stop finding joking funny when realized that I have actually gotten a spot of brown paint on my bum. Put up with kid poo jokes for the rest of the night/rest of my life.
Somewhere between 12 am and 1 am, get into bed. Am tired, sweaty, very likely in need of a shower but have no actual energy to have one. Vow to have shower in the morning, which means getting up just a little bit earlier.
Next day wake up late. Have twenty minutes in which to shower, dress and leave house. Realize there are no clean towels at the moment because I still haven’t done the fucking laundry. Decide to towel off with bathrobe. Smell better. Fake being awake and lucid. Kiss kids goodbye as they leave for school.
Hope to sell the house soon. All. Damn. Day.