You all know, if you know me personally or have been a reader for more than a month, that I have five kids. Yes five. My oldest is getting close to turning 19, my youngest about to turn 11. They are the boys, with three girls in the middle at 17, 14 and 12. I’m busy.
For the most part, like 98% of the time, my kids are awesome and amazing. I love that they each have a distinct sense of humor, that they are smart and aren’t afraid to talk about any topics from whatever is going on in their own lives, or with TV shows they watch or games they play to in depth conversations with adults about world issues or political views. Even my youngest has been known to get into multi-hour long debates and discussions on everything from war to elections to discussing genocide.
I’m sayin’, they are some smart kids.
But they’re still kids, and every so often, they fight.
With age has come a realization that perhaps my occasional bouts of potty mouth have worn off on them, as occasionally in the midst of a fight I will hear them shout expletives at one another. Can’t really get too insane on that issue, since they learned that particular gem of behavior from their dad and me, but I do ask them to watch which words they choose to use on each other and I will crack down over an f-bomb.
Lately though, and this could be just because of his age or the fact that he’s entering puberty soon, or just the fact that he has three older, hormonal sisters in the throes of teenage mood swings, my youngest has gotten….a little harder to handle.
He fights with the girls a lot. He has been fighting with me a lot too. There’s been a lot of disrespectful behaviors going on and I have decided that I need a change up in how I deal with it because talking is no longer working.
Don’t get me wrong, I do talk to him. But lately that has been met with anger, resentment, running away, slamming doors and “blanket” statements.
“Everybody hates me”
“You always pick on me”
“You never answer my questions” (this one when I give him an ‘I said so’ response to something and he doesn’t like that I don’t owe him more than that as a parent sometimes).
“I guess no one in this house loves me”
The list goes on.
Of course, the flip side to this sad little creature who we’d all love to feel sorry for and bring in for a cuddle is that lately he is insulting his siblings, calling them stupid or (gasp) fat, mimicking them until they go crying up to their rooms, throwing things, screaming and basically being a very alpha male boy who is actually at the bottom of the chain of kids. I’m sure it’s a very frustrating place to be. Never having been a youngest child, I can only imagine.
This morning, after a particularly trying few rounds of fighting, both with the sisters and with me, I made a decision.
I brought him to work.
I work out in the open where people are free to come in and use our computers all the time for job searching and research and so on, so there would be no problem with him being stuck bored in an office.
I took out three sheets of scrap paper and wrote down some words for him.
Respect
Family
Bully
Discipline
Love
Responsibility
Success
You get the picture. There were a few more than that on the list. Then I sat him down at the computer nearest my desk and told him to find at least three different sources of definitions of these words, write them out in his own words and write down what these words mean to him.
It’s the electronic age, this kid can probably source out information on the internet better than I can.
But I wanted to get him out of our house where the sibling and pet distractions are, and put him somewhere that he had no choice but to focus on something for an extended period of time. Then we can talk about it later.
One, this will calm him down, because if nothing else, my kids have almost always been model children when around other adults. His behaviour here will be exemplary. It already is.
Two, it’s like an assignment, but one he is doing for me not for school. I know how much he likes to impress me with his smarts, so I know that he will make this a point of honor to do, and do well.
Three, it forces him to do some self examination.
We are going to sit down tonight and talk about what he discovered, how it pertains to him and to our family.
Some people may think I’m being overly harsh, but he is almost 11, he’s not five. Some issues need more than a time out in the bedroom or a day banned from the computer. I want my son to grow up to be the kind, generous and polite man that he usually is as a boy, but if I don’t find new ways to curb some of his negative behavior traits now, well, who knows what I’d be seeing in him at 15, at 18, at 25.
I’m proud of my son. He is taking this task seriously. He even changed into a button up shirt in order to come with me. He really is a good kid at heart, but sometimes he needs reminding that he is good and that it is only some of his behaviors not him personally, that I don’t care for.
I love this boy.
That’s why I love him enough to let him be a part of his own behavioral learning.
nice – definitely don’t think you are being overly harsh! how did the talk go? I think it’s impressive that he wasn’t reluctanct – thus him putting in extra effort by putting on the button up shirt. maybe he likes the one on one attention? I’m trying to figure out how I can translate an exercise like this for a 5y.o. – oh – he can draw pictures – aha!
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Yes!! Drawing pictures for a five year old is great. Like I said, he really is a good kid at heart, but I think with everything going on (school starting back soon, end of summer blah’s, hormones for him, hormonal teenaged sisters) he’s just overloaded and knows no other way to deal except to act out. He is sitting here now, halfway through this project and being really cute and serious. He just told me that “he thinks he knows why I asked him to do this”. Our talk will be tonight. First a private one with just him and the hubs and I, then we’re going to take this to a family meeting at large.
Thanks for the reply!!
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too cute! I’m feeling like my boys (who I also think are good kids) are starting to step out of line just a little w/ repeatedly not listening to me and hubby (their dad). I like your approach!
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hehe, you’re nicer than I am. I just threaten mine with hellfire and damnation…..well, not really. I want to though, I really really do.
Instead, I sit him down (after a good time out) and we walk through was wasn’t ok with his behaviour.
Parenting a child with asperger’s is….interesting 😉
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That’s a really good way to handle it too. In fact, I do this myself from time to time. It’s good if you can get them to engage on what was innapropriate about their behaviours. Not wrong. I try not to tell them unless they have done something terrible like hitting one another. And then its the behaviour that is wrong, not the kid.
🙂
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I don’t think you’re being harsh at all, actually. My parents used to just scream at me and threaten physical violence. You know, there are parents who are great parents up until their kids start growing into their own persons, start becoming adults. (Yeah I know he’s still 11 but I’m talking in general.) They kind of fall flat on their faces at the endgame because they know how to handle children but not adult children. By that I mean their offspring who have become adults. It’s very frustrating for a child who is maturing into an adult to remain treated like they’re still a little wee one without the capacity to understand the wider world. (Don’t get me wrong, they still have a crapload to learn.)
As you said, timeouts don’t work past a certain point and you ought to congratulate yourself that you’re not one of the unfortunate parents who are unable to move on from that into a more age/maturity-level appropriate mode of parenting. In fact, I congratulate you myself because I was one of those kids whose parents did not grow with them. The aggravation of that is way more severe than word-concept defining assignments will ever be. You’re taking some really positive steps here and I’d be flabbergasted if it didn’t do some good. He might be cranky now but years later he’ll look back on this and think “Wow, I’m sure glad she didn’t just smack my backside and stick me in a corner. Or worse, put me on Ritalin.”
A few things I have noticed: The sad bit about kids growing up and getting smarter is that they star pointing out things like you holding them to a standard to which you don’t hold yourself. ie: cussing. I wasn’t the first kid to call my mom a hypocrite and I won’t be the last. Just be prepared when it comes (if it hasn’t already) and remember that the highest form of flattery is imitation. If they’re emulating your behaviours, it means that they deeply respect you and think that you’re worth imitating.
“Because I said so” is extremely galling to hear. I used to get “Because I’m the parent” which was okay until I hit this stage and responded with “And?” which is less harsh than the next stage which is “That doesn’t make you right. Present evidence for your views or concede.” (No I’m not kidding, I really did that. Teenagers are obnoxious these days aren’t they?!) But you know what? “Because this is my house and I said so” is a perfectly valid answer when you want them to do something or stop doing something. It gets right the freaking point. Just make sure you don’t use it for philosophy, theology, or logical reasoning cause they’ll call you on that.
Something that took the sting out of “I said so” for me was a realization that you, the parent, have a “my house my rules” rule and that means that someday he will have his own house and when you come to visit it will be his house and his rules. At this stage in life, I’m betting all you hear all day long is “that’s not fair!” It’s a frustrating time, as you’ve said already, and anything you can do to alleviate the unfairness (be it actual or perceived) helps soothe the frustration.
I’m sorry for jabbering on like this, giving all manner of unsolicited advice. It’s probably pretty out of line. I very much want to see you succeed in your endeavours because I think you’re doing it right. I wish my parents had done for me what you’re doing for your son right now.
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Thank you Ethan, that is incredibly sweet. He’s actually done his little assignment now (two hours he put in, not one complaint) and we’ve already had one little chat. And he hugged me. We all want to do right by our kids. I’m hoping I’m on the right path.
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Awww, hugs is a much more desirable ending than shouting and moping and such. It’s incredible that he was that serious about it. It can be pretty hard to get a kid to work on ANYTHING for more than an hour much less work. Your young man may just have the seeds of a good solid work ethic and I hope that stays with him throughout his life. It’ll take him far.
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